The Sherlock Holmes Channel
by Lisa Oldham


THE SHERLOCK HOLMES CHANNEL

   4:00  Victorian Trading Spaces
            Holmes has a fit when the TS team transforms 221-B
	    into a replica of a pub. Meanwhile, customers at the
	    pub love its new "sitting room" decor.

   5:00  Baker Street - Children
            The Irregulars count to ten; Ernest and Bertram
            learn the letter "H"; Oscar Wilde the Grouch
            writes a play.

   5:30  Martha Hudson Living 
            Preparing a goose for Christmas dinner; giving your
            home that authentic Victorian look; dealing with 
            difficult tenants.

   6:00  Holmes Improvement 
            Holmes demonstrates how to
            remove blemishes (such 
            as bullet holes) from a wall.
            
   6:30  Men Behaving Badly - Comedy
            Hilarity reigns when Professor Moriarty,
            Charles Augustus Milverton and Tonga
            decide to share living quarters.  Tonight:
            Tonga wants revenge when Moriarty and
            Milverton insult his cooking. 
             
   7:00  Sherlockian Idol
	    Actors compete for the chance to become
	    the "new" Sherlock Holmes. Candidates must 
	    audition for a tough panel of judges consisting
	    of Sherlock Holmes experts, British TV critics 
	    and Jeremy Brett fans.  

   8:00  Holmes Eye for the Watson Guy 
      	    Sherlock Holmes makes over his literally 
	    clueless associate, Dr. Watson. Holmes 
	    successfully teaches the doctor how to 
	    be more observant, how to "read" people, 
	    and how to create the perfect disguise. 
	    Then, he turns his unsolved cases over
	    to Watson and becomes a beekeeper in Sussex. 
 
   9:00  Survivor - "Reality" Series
      	    A group of Sherlock Holmes fans must
	    endure various challenges (such as 
	    sitting through a marathon of Holmes
	    films starring Matt Frewer) to determine
	    who's the fittest. Losers are stripped of
	    their deerstalkers and sent packing. The 
	    last fan remaining is allowed to join 
	    The Baker Street Irregulars. 

10:00    Sherlockian Bargain Hunt - Game Show
	   Contestants buy Holmes-related items at 
	   antique fairs and try to make a profit
	   by auctioning them off to Sherlockians 
	  (kinda like eBay). Among this week's finds:
	   a settee once owned by a 2nd cousin of 
	   Sir Arthur Conan Doyle; Jeremy Brett's
	   Eton hall pass. Presenter: David Dickensian.  

10:30  It's Debatable - Public Affairs
           Sherlockians face off over tough
           issues.  Tonight's topic: "Is House Just
	   a Rip-off of Sherlock Holmes?"

11:00  Sherlock Holmes:  The "Lost" Episodes
            "Slocombe Old Place" Holmes investigates
            the mystery of a matronly shopclerk's 
            constantly changing hair color.  Mrs.
            Slocombe:  Mollie Sugden. (Repeat)

12:00  The Detective of Venice - Crime Drama
           Shylock Holmes and Dr. Watsonio
           track stolen ducats.

  1:00  London  NW1 6XL - Serial 
          Aggie helps Sherlock resolve his
          intimacy issues. (Viewer
          discretion advised.)
            
 2:00  Extreme Sports
          Bungee jumping from Reichenbach Falls, Switzerland.

 2:30  The Mycroft Holmes Workout

 3:00  Movie - Mystery 
         "The Beekeeper's a Menace" (UK, 1997)
	 A plucky young woman defends a now-retired
	 Sherlock Holmes when his Sussex neighbors
	 complain about his bees. She also helps 
	 Holmes discover who's been stealing honey 
	 from his hives. Holmes: Sean Connery. 
	 Mary Rustle: Nicole Kidman. Winnie the Pooh:
	 Robbie Coltrane.


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"The Brettish Empire"/"TBE" Copyright Lisa L. Oldham.